Living While Gray

Age is Just a Number

The Holidays are Early This Year: Jewish New Year

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If you’re Jewish or have close Jewish friends, you know that the High Holidays are upon us. You might also know, the common refrain is that the holidays are early (or late) this year. Since Jewish holidays are based on a different calendar, the timing of the High Holidays moves aimlessly around the calendar everyone else uses. As I chronicle my first year of retirement, it’s time to journal about how I spent my High Holidays this year.

Jewish new year

Image courtesy of Chabad

What are the High Holidays?

The Jewish High Holidays start with the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah), which this year fell on Sept. 15. Like all Jewish holidays, this one started at sundown (and goes until sundown) rather than from morning to night. For Jews, you hear them complain that the holidays are early this year. Well, given that they commonly come around the end of September, that’s true, but it’s all a matter of opinion.

You see, the Jewish calendar contains 12 months of nearly equal lengths, so no remembering if they have 28, 30, or 31 days. The phases of the moon determine the months and, instead of having a leap day, the Jewish calendar adds an entire month seven out of nineteen years. This keeps the calendar aligned with important things for an agrarian society, like planting and harvesting so you perform the same activities in the same months every year.

The Jewish New Year is the start of the Jewish calendar. And, this year is 5784, representing the time elapsed since G_d (Jews never use the name unless in prayer) created Adam and Eve. If you’re like most people, you can reconcile the actual geological age from science with that represented in biblical accounts but I won’t go into that quagmire here.

We call them the High Holidays because many of the most sacred days in the calendar fall within a short time period. Jewish New Year is a celebration of the beginning and it also reflects on the almost sacrifice of Isaac, which even Jews have a hard time dealing with. Ten days later, we have Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. It’s a major fast day that begins at sundown on Sept. 24 and concludes after sundown on Sept. 25. The Jewish belief is that on Jewish New Year G_d determines the fate of every human between now and the next year by writing them in the Book of Life (would make a good Disney movie, don’t you think but 20th Century Fox beat them to it). On Yom Kippur, s/he closes the book and whatever is written there will come to pass. That’s why all the fasting and prayer.

A rabbi once told a great story about the high holidays. A person traveled to Israel after the high holidays. He experienced the yearly cycle that included lots of festivals with sumptuous food, dancing, schnapps, and fun. He thinks this is a great religion, so he joins up. Unfortunately, the next holiday in the cycle is Yom Kippur with its fasting, prayer, and reflection. So, he begins to think they tricked him and that he made a poor decision.

After the majors come the minors

Well, maybe not the minors but less fraught with tension from life and death consequences. Sukkot is one of three pilgrimage holidays in the Jewish calendar. It was the time of harvest when Jews made open-air tents in the fields so they could harvest their crops. Jews still commemorate this time by building structures and eating a meal there (piggybacking on my earlier story there’s lots of drinking, eating, and general frivolity). Some might even sleep in them, especially in Israel when the weather is still good. Neighbors visit each other’s structures (called a Sukkah) to share the fun.

The last few days of Sukkot commemorate the giving of the Torah. More drinking, food, dancing with the Torah, and fun.

What I’m doing

So, I spent the week cleaning and cooking to have guests on Saturday night (between the 2 days of the Jewish New Year). We had the family over and ate so much we thought we might explode. Then, the grands spent the night and I took them for brunch the next morning. That was an adventure with three little ones (11, 9, and 6) at a buffet. Eventually, everyone was convinced to eat something nutritious among all the tempting desserts that represented most of their caloric consumption from that meal.

micah and pearl

Too full for anything but lounging

After eating a huge meal of matza ball soup, corned beef, potato kugel, and apple pie, the brunch just tuckered everyone out so lounging was on the agenda.

Meanwhile, I’m still trying to get everything settled for retirement. I’m still trying to figure out what I’ll get from my retirement account as none of the deposits so far add up to what we discussed. I won’t get my first Social Security check until late next month. Meanwhile, new costs go into effect in January, as all the insurance companies offering Medicare options change their costs and compensation levels. I haven’t even gotten this under my belt and now I’ll have an entirely new set of rules to figure out. Oh, well! The fight goes on.

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What are the Amazing Benefits of Being Over 50?

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benefits of being over 50

In Western culture, age isn’t venerated the way it is in Eastern culture. In fact, youth is highly valued in most Western cultures. But, is being 25 that much better than being over 50? Most experts agree that the benefits of being over 50 far outweigh those you get from being younger. Let’s take a look at the top benefits you get by being over 50.

The amazing benefits of being over 50

1. More “me” time

When you’re younger, demands on your time expand to the point where there’s no “me” time. Face it, you’re juggling a hectic work schedule, kids, a husband, and other family needs leaving nothing left for you.

At work, you’re building your career, which often means overtime, working on weekends, and hectic workdays filled with stress. Cutting back on work just isn’t an option for most working professionals. Putting anything less than 100% into your career at this point dramatically impacts your trajectory and lifetime earnings, especially if you’re a woman or person of color. As a woman, you already have family factors that interfere with putting 100% into your career as women often bear the brunt of domestic activities, such as taking care of sick children and family members.

Your home life also doesn’t lend itself to much “me” time. Women with jobs still perform 22% more of the household chores than their male counterparts; an average of 4.9 hours of household work. When it comes to laundry, childcare, cleaning, and other duties traditionally seen as “women’s work” women still perform these tasks much more often than men.

After 50, you’re more stable in your career and have proven yourself, so taking more time off and cutting back on your work schedule doesn’t have the same negative impact it did when you were starting out. Your kids are now adults or at least driving, relieving you of running carpool to all their activities and staying home with them when they’re sick. Counteracting this, women in their 40s and 50s are often called the sandwich generation as they balance the remaining tasks involved in raising their kids with taking care of older parents who need care.

Thus, one of the biggest benefits of being over 50 is you have more “me” time. You have time to have a spa day or lunch with friends. Your evenings are free from childcare so you can read a book or take up a hobby.

2. More self-confidence

Gone are the days when you worried about how others would see you. In general, older folks of both genders feel freer to express their individuality and don’t try as hard to fit some mold formed by society. Otherwise, why would you see older men wearing socks with sandals? A new study shows self-confidence peaks around age 60, so that’s something to look forward to.

Increased stability in their relationships at work and at home foster increased self-confidence, as does the increased level of success achieved in significant roles, such as raising successful kids. Another of the great benefits of being over 50 is that we just become more comfortable in our own skin, more ready to laugh at ourselves.

3. Financial stability

As you approach retirement, you’re at the peak of your earnings and, thus, have a good deal of financial stability. If you own a home, you’ve built substantial equity over time and you likely have a little put away in your 401K to support you in retirement.

If you had a little bit of a financial setback, what with the recession in 2008 and the pandemic in 2020, special IRS rules allow you to catch up on planning for retirement and many businesses offer discounts on their goods and services, although you probably have to ask for them as they aren’t automatic.

4. Excuses

The benefits of being over 50 don’t stop there. You now have a built-in excuse to avoid anything you don’t want. Forgot someone’s birthday? Blame the forgetfulness that comes with age and everyone believes you. Don’t want to go to a party or other event? Blame a doctor’s appointment or say you’re prepping for your colonoscopy. Don’t want to comment? Just pretend you can’t hear the question.

5. People leave you alone

Once you reach a certain age, folks tend to leave you alone. You don’t get carded when you buy liquor and are less likely to get pulled out of line for a manual search at airport screening. Women of a certain age also face less sexual harassment at work than younger women. If you want to just blend in at an event, folks are happy to let older folks slide while, if you want to stand out, you’re more confident wearing that outlandish outfit that assures you get attention and folks remember you.

OK, enough for today.

Be sure to check out Living While Gray on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram. If you have ideas or would like to write for us, you can reach me through the comments.

See you back here soon.

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Is 50 the New 30? Really?

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50 the new 30

Image courtesy of E Online

Is 50 the new 30? This phrase has made the rounds for years, especially lately after Jennifer Lopez made her stunning Super Bowl performance last year looking slim, agile, and amazing for someone over 50 years old. Similar half-century plus performers seem similarly blessed with great genes that keep them looking like women almost half their age.

Is 50 the new 30?

Yet, if you’re over 50, you know the hype isn’t exactly true. Even major journalists call bullsh*t on the notion that 50 is the new 30. In many ways, 50 is way better than being 30.

Is life better with age?

For instance, Huffington Post argues that, in some ways, women over 50 are even better than in their 30s. They’re more confident and secure; more ready to speak their minds and stand up for themselves and other women. Another great advantage of being over 50 is that you’re kids are grown, or at least mostly grown, which frees up an enormous amount of time for doing the things you really love, rather than changing diapers, running carpool to games and practices, and attending PTA meetings.

Of course, the corollary to our aging is that our parents are aging, too. That means those over 50, especially women find themselves part of the so-called sandwich generation. Caught between caring for children who still live with us (and in the pandemic more older children moved home as they lost jobs, many bringing their own children) and our parents who can no longer live totally independent lives. Even though our parents might not share our homes, they still need help with shopping (especially given their high-risk during the pandemic), driving to doctor’s appointments, and other daily tasks they once accomplished without any help.

Hence, in other ways, we know this isn’t true and the notion that 50 is the new 30 is just what it sounds like; hype.

Is getting old all bad?

For instance, there’s no way to get around physical and mental aging, despite creams and exercise that make our bodies great, maybe even better than they were when we were 30 and struggling to build a career, having our babies, and stressing over things that we now take in stride. We feel more aches and pains, our eyes need more light, and we find sleeping much harder. Which is normal.

But, psychologists celebrate middle age as a time when there’s less drama in our lives as we’ve learned to roll with the punches and we’re less concerned with adhering to what society tells us we should be. Instead, we’re more comfortable in our own skin, making our own decisions.

The pressure to look young

Women, especially women over 50 (although this is true at any age) feel pressure to look younger (thinner, more attractive).

Face it. The entire fashion industry lives and dies by telling us 50 the new 30 is real and pressuring us to maintain the image of vivacious 30 year-olds. After all, they can’t sell us stuff if we’re happy with the stuff we have.

The industry must sell us creams to make our skin look dewy fresh, like when we were 30 or even 20. We need more makeup; concealers and stuff to hide the small lines that form around our eyes and laugh lines. Even our clothes must change since we “can’t” wear the same thing we did when we were 30 or we look like we’re trying too hard.

Yet, objectively, there’s nothing so attractive as a woman with confidence and the security to go down her own path. A smart woman who knows what she wants and goes out to and gets it is attractive despite what the tabloids tell us.

In fact, a recent poll by Today found that most American’s believe 50 is the best age there is.

When is 50 the new 30?

If you face the reality that age is just a number and stop worrying about whether 50 the new 30 is real or a made-up slogan dreamed up by folks who want us to act a certain way at a certain age, you’ll feel much better about yourself at whatever age you are.

OK, enough for today.

Be sure to check out Living While Gray on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram. If you have ideas or would like to write for us, you can reach me through the comments.

See you back here soon.

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Empty Nest: Dealing with a House Now Empty After Years of Chaos

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empty nestDuring a time when emotional upheaval was already at its peak, I’m going through round two of coping with an empty nest. I realize that some people are ready for their kids to leave and enjoy the sense of freedom that comes with no longer providing regular support for our children, but it’s a difficult process for me.

Becoming an empty nester

My first round of empty nest sadness came when my youngest went to college about seven years ago.

In high school she was very busy with after-school projects and activities, therefore I volunteered a lot. Shuttling her around to rehearsals and events took up significant portions of my schedule. I also chose to drive her to school every day and pick her up, as well. I loved that time together. I realize it was a luxury some parents didn’t have, and I treated it as such. I did the same thing with her older sister.

After she left for college, I would wake up thinking I was late for something. I had a mini-panic attack in the middle of the afternoon thinking I should pick somebody up or drop somebody off somewhere.

All through her college years, I had days I just missed her terribly and couldn’t find the words to describe what I was going through. For some reason, it would hit worse at night when preparing for bed. I would hop into bed and a wave of sadness would wash over me and I would sob. Sometimes I would wake up with terrible nightmares about her or her sister, who graduated and moved out years before. I would call them in a panic to make sure they were ok.

In time, I got more used to it, but I don’t think I ever fully adjusted. She was always coming home to our tiny apartment over the summer and during some breaks from school. She went to school two hours away so we drove up to see her performances. It still felt like she was “with us.”

Empty nest homecoming

After finishing college and a couple of years with a boyfriend in an apartment, she moved with us to our new house last fall. Her intention was to stay a couple of years while she established her career in the area and then get a place of her own. Then COVID happened. She lost her work and went on unemployment, which was an acceptable short-term solution, with the exception of the emotional element. She usually worked three gigs at a time, mostly sixteen-hour days, six, sometimes, seven days a week and hanging with a lot of friends the rest of the time. Now she was suddenly stuck at home with her parents full-time.

When lockdown first started we jokingly played, “Don’t touch the millennial.” And after a month in isolation, we all relaxed a bit inside the house, watching movies and dining together. She spent a lot of time in her little studio annex, but she would sometimes come out playing her ukulele or decide she wanted to enjoy a movie with us in the main part of the house.

We went on like this for a few months, but as soon as she started looking for work again, she realized working through a pandemic was hard. The worry about working and bringing home COVID enveloped her and she started looking for places to live just blocks away. I figured I would handle a short move just fine. Having her within walking distance to say “hello” seemed doable.

Finding an empty nest again

She couldn’t find anything, so instead ended up sharing an apartment in a nearby city. She’s still not that far away, but as she packed, I realized this was the last time either of my daughters lived with me, and a sense of sadness at losing that connection to my child tugged at my heart. I used to know all her friends, her favorite foods, take her to get her hair cut and pick out school supplies. Now I didn’t recognize anybody’s names and couldn’t tell you her favorite food. It felt like a loss.

To make matters worse, just three weeks before she moved out, we lost our beloved sixteen-year-old Abyssinian cat. She was my emotional support and a very smart and engaged cat.

How I ended up here

First I was a stay-at-home mom and artist, then most of my work was from home, so the cat was with me every day; on my foot, on my lap, perched behind my head. When monitors became bigger, she spent a significant amount of her day on top of my monitor as I edited graphics or wrote stories. Losing my sweet cat, followed by my daughter moving out, probably for the last time, meant the beginning of August was very rough for me, emotionally.

Both of my daughters are smart, strong, vibrant, beautiful women and I’m glad they can stand on their own. I’m proud of them, and of myself for being able to launch them into the world as useful members of society. But, every fall when the first leaves start skittering across the pavement and the smell of woodsmoke dances on a crisp breeze, I wish for pumpkin patches and Halloween costumes, followed by cups of hot cocoa enjoyed with holiday movies and sugar cookie decorating with my two best little friends.

I decided to lean into them being on their own. Instead of memorializing the spaces they occupied, I create something new for myself. Instead of living vicariously through my children’s lives, I celebrate my own life. It takes some getting used to, this focusing totally on myself. It feels like I don’t care about them enough, or sacrifice enough, or love them enough. But they want me to do things for me, and they want to do things for themselves without feeling guilty about their independence. I still feel the spots they no longer occupy in my physical space, but they will always occupy most of my heart.

empty nester

Heather Brooks

This is a guest post by H.L. Brooks is an author, artist, and social media consultant.

You can find me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook

A shout out to my step-daughter and unofficially adopted daughter as well. They help make my life fuller even though they didn’t’ grow up living with me.

OK, enough for today. Enjoy your day.

Be sure to check out Living While Gray on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram. If you have ideas or would like to write for us, fill out the handy guest post form below. And, if you found great activities and adventures opening up, post your pictures on Instagram using the hashtag #livingwhilegray.

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Visit the National Zoo In Phase 3 of the Pandemic Response

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visit the national zoo

So, things are slowly returning to normal in the DMV (Washington, Northern Virginia, and parts of Maryland) as the infection rates drop. We never had the high infection rates seen in other parts of the country due to quick and decisive actions by the two governors and the mayor. BTW, Virginia has the only governor with an MD and one of the few Republican governors who advocated for quick action (and heads the board of governors) is in Maryland. So, we decided to visit the National Zoo.

If you’re visiting the area from almost anywhere in the south or west, you must quarantine for 14 days before enjoying all the city has to offer. And, if you’ve never been to DC, you’re missing one of the all-time best bargains in the country. Yeah, the hotels are a little pricy but you can stay in the suburbs and metro into the city (there’s very little parking available anyway) for about the same as you’d pay anywhere in the country. Once you get to DC, you can easily fill a week without paying a single admission fee with all the Smithsonian museums have to offer.

We live in the DMV, so we are a little spoiled but still enjoy being able to see what the city has. Saturday, we tested the waters with the National Zoo, since outdoor spaces are safer than indoor spaces.

Visit the National Zoo

Things are returning to a new normal because you can now visit the National Zoo and several other parts of the Smithsonian’s huge collection. The art museum just opened last week, as did the National Zoo. Check before you plan your trip since things change rapidly.

Tickets required

Normally, folks just walk into the zoo. When they opened a week ago, the zoo started requiring tickets. They’re free, but you need a ticket with an entry time to restrict the number of people entering at any one time. Parking tickets, which cost $30 (twice as much as normal) include admission for up to 6 people and they don’t have a timestamp so you can visit the National Zoo anytime during the day.

Tickets go fast, so go online to get tickets at least a week in advance of your visit.

Only 1 entrance is open

You must enter at the Connecticut Ave entrance (main entrance) and they moved some bushes around to restrict access. That means you need to form a line to get into the park.

What you see while visiting

Masks

All 3 areas (Maryland, Virginia, and DC) have mandatory mask orders and will for the foreseeable future for everyone 5 and up–hence the reason my granddaughter wasn’t masked up. So, you’ll need a mask at all times except when eating or drinking. We found most people followed the mask rule most of the time. The Zoo designated eating areas where the tables were at least 6 ft apart to ensure there was social distance when people weren’t wearing their masks, but being American’s many were eating as they went through the park.

Social distancing

The Zoo also requires folks to observe social distancing, which didn’t really happen. So, when the Giant Panda emerged from his house, everyone crowded around to get a peek.

giant pandaOf course, all I go was his butt, since I had to wrangle 3 kids under 10 while trying to get a picture. But, as an avid zoo goer, I can tell you that seeing the panda out in the middle of his yard isn’t common. He usually sticks to his house or hides in the bamboo along the fringes. I guess he’s a little shy.

But, with everybody masked up, I’m less concerned about the distance.

Restricted access

Many pathways in the zoo are one-way only or have a barrier between the two-way segments to help ensure distancing. Also, most of the indoor spaces are closed to visitors. We were disappointed that the Reptile House and Amazonia were both closed.

Don’t touch

Basically, you can’t touch anything and, as you see in the picture at the top of this post, they got a deal on the hands with a line through them to tell you not to touch. Of course, telling a 3-year-old not to touch is a waste of breath. We saw several employees running around with a huge spray canister of sanitizer who didn’t look too happy that everyone touched things and one rudely pointed to the signs. This makes me wonder what it’ll be like for those schools trying to open (ours are virtual). Kids just don’t follow do not touch or social distancing rules and I spent the entire day saying, “don’t touch”.

Weird things you’ll see during your visit to the National Zoo

One of the weirdest things I saw was the shops open; many selling stuffed animals. I recognize this is a major source of revenue, but come on. Stuffed animals are like a cesspool on a good day and a definite no-no during a pandemic. A no brainer, it would appear.

Another weird thing was that many of the animals seemed a little shy … more than normal. Maybe they got used to having the part to themselves during the lockdown and were still getting used to having us around. Of course, the Orangutan was out swinging from the high wire, even stopping to show her displeasure by defecating on a couple of visitors.

OK, enough for today. Enjoy your day.

Be sure to check out Living While Gray on Pinterest, Facebook, and Instagram. If you have ideas or would like to write for us, reach me through the comments. And, if you found great activities and adventures opening up, post your pictures on Instagram using the hashtag #livingwhilegray.

See you back here soon.